Thank You 2019
With all my heart… I pour everything today
It is 01.01.2020, 12:20 am here. Happy New Year everyone. It was so hard for me to type, or to more precisely say to decide what exactly to do right at this moment, right at this time. To enjoy Mozart I am playing in my room? or to enjoy the fireworks cracking sound outside? or to call my friends? or to laugh? to sing? to exclaim? what and what not I can do! and this was the point of my confusion… until now, when I decided to come here and type.
So, my friends, this blog is unedited and as I am typing it as I am speaking it (more like shouting) in my room here in the Netherlands, I am high right now. Should be 900ug LSD if that number sounds interpretable to you lol. I took it 5 hours ago (7 pm 31.12.2019), I was dead and luckily was bring to birth again just a few minutes before the clock here touched 00:00. Right now I am enjoying this moment with this blog as much as you may be enjoying reading it (or not LOL).
I was initially thinking to make this blog like I made last year (remember?). but then I thought the best thing I have discovered this year was transcendence beyond the physical self so why not do something opposite this time. Let that transcended self type this blog for you.
I have to say a lot to what has passed. My heart stands right here to let go of all my past and yes I do want it to go. I am so happy it went. I don’t want to look back at my life right now. I feel that whatever was meant to be gone left me for good. What I have right now is everything I ever wanted. Oh, I just remember a quote. Let me search on my insta.
O WANDERING SOUL (music on!)
Can’t you see????
Every mile you have travelled is leading you
RIGHT WHERE YOU NEED TO BE (and I shout again)
(By the way, thank you Siba for sharing that post).
Oh Instagram, so many updates here, I haven’t even open anything expect from someone who is a little special to me. Lol.
I am using more backspace than I am using other keys. What Vismay C’mon.
Okay, so it is hard for me to type right now but such moments don’t come always so I will type anyways.
Right now as I am typing I am remembering all my friends. I miss you Piyush bro.
I want to reflect back on 2019, my learnings (as I can remember right at this moment):
- You are Loved. Always. I LAUGH I LAUGH I LAUGH right now, trying to explain this, because I cannot. Sorry (in a very English tone).
- Oh that last sentence doesn’t make sense to me right now, does it make to you? Well, it doesn’t matter. This is what I have realized in 2019, there are different perspectives, different opinions, and well if none of them can be accepted, it doesn’t mean all of them are wrong. In fact they all can be right and wrong simultaneously. It is just the beauty of looking at those things. (background: I am crying right now, Mozart I love you)
- 2019 has taught me to heal myself. It was the most healing year ever.
- 2019 has made me more independent. But at the same time, I feel more connected to the people around me. I feel more connected to myself. My sense of identity. My nature. I want to thank psychedelics for these and also to all my friends and of course to my family.
- Fasting: Past 3 months I have been eating only once a day (YES!), except not every single day, lol. I mean that I followed it down to every day, but not when I had social barriers. I don’t think anyone here in the NL knows about it except, my friend Ricardo (I love you bro) and my flatmate here (I love you too man miss you right now, NL miss you, come back). I will make a separate blog about the reason and why I feel it to be the best diet for me.
- What more I can remember… hmm.. so much is there. Everything is flowing in front of my eyes with this Mozart. LOL!
Ok maybe a bad idea to make a blog. It is overwhelming. I think ab nahi ho payega (I am done). I will go back to bed.
Hitting the publish button. By the way, I live-streamed on youtube before typing this blog, don’t know what happened to it.
Bubyyeeeee 2019. (Never thought I would end a blog like this, lol)
Thank you for everything.
See you in the new decade everyone.
Love (Always and Infinite),
Vismay
WAIT. I published the blog and opened again. Because this time I have legit something to type and which is worthy for you to read.
So I was remembering how I spent my previous new years. Last year I had sent individual (yes INDIVIDUAL) emails to everybody I loved and that email wasn’t small if you think it was. I made so many efforts.
Today, I don’t have that potential to be honest. I don’t know but I am too selfish now to write to everyone. But (and focus on it), to everyone out there, I shout, and with all my heart, I speak, deep down I love you more than I have ever been, and although it may not look like this to you, because I may not express it in a way I used to, but it is the truth. I am crying right now, for all the moments where I feel I wasn’t there for my friends. I wasn’t there to hug them. To them, I want to say it all again, although it may not look like it, but this heart loves you.
I am really sorry but I won’t be able to write individual messages to everyone. I want to but it is so hard for me to that I just cannot. I feel like everything is there and I need not express it. I am really feeling sorry for it. There are tears coming out of my eyes.
I don’t know how I will remember this moment next year. Lol. Be Here Now Vismay! (Piyush laughs)
Signing off, (I hope it’s final this time)
Vismay
Cut again
It’s 1:52 am (7 hours). My mind was thinking why it has to be a girl who I always think would be in my life but I know could never be and I embrace it but I also think she should know that and I have legit no idea why I think it. It makes no sense, but there are these layers of thoughts touching my body right now. I close my eyes, and I remember that person, and if mystics are right, maybe she remembers me too. OH WOW! I can be a writer. Can I?
One more thing, I took LSD today for several reasons and one of them is that for this year I have several resolutions and I wanted something like a rocket launch for those resolutions. I don’t think I would be taking psychedelics again for a long time now. I have felt whatever I wanted to, at the exact right moment I needed it, and it was the right time for others too (I hope). It is not easy to type things on 900ug LSD. A easier path for me could be to just enjoy, but then why I’m doing this? I went for some 5 minutes in this thought. I think I am doing it because this moment is a good moment for me to contemplate my past.
With Psychedelics your senses gets enhanced. I can sense a lot right now. I think it’s finally the time (one last time :p) to say byeee. Again, with all my energy, I pour all my heart to you. To 2020. To a new decade. To a new beginning, of a never-ending infinite chain.
By the way I recall one more learning! In 2019 I learned that placebo > anything. I tasted light rays. It’s possible. How? Think! Try? Haha.
Exhale, inhale, this is the life, comes and goes, embrace, and experience, be here, be here now!
Good night! Love, Vismay
5:09 am here (10 hours). Good morning (oh you didn’t sleep).
So here’s more thoughts for you to read. So if I see my journey in 2019, or not specifically 2019, but everything till now… 2019 gave me the things I needed, not I wanted specifically. I wish it to be the same with your life. 2019 gave me the trust to open up myself to the music played by the nature (God playing dice huh?).
Oh my higher self cries, Oh God, I know you will call me back, to be your child. It will be soon. Very soon. But I am not afraid at all. Death huh? LAUGHS. Needn’t be. Understanding the matrix of human psyche in itself is so complex, that even the death won’t be able to find it’s way back home. When even it is the death who has to surrender, then my lord, who am I to be able to fully understand it in my lifetime. No I can’t. I simply can’t. Thank you for another year in this wonderful field of existence.
The world is a magician you know. How? The world is full of knowledge, but just like the magic of a magician, the knowledge is always in the things which are hidden. When people were trickly guided by the magician, I feel I was able to look at the magic from a place where magicians didn’t want me to look. And when I started looking it from that unconventional way, all the magicians bowed down, and surrendered their magic. Now I feel I have it all. AHA deep breaths I take, thank you all the learnings I had in 2019, you had made the magicians bow down in front of me. I curiously awaits for the magicians to present their new tricks in 2020.
By the way, I still have one blockage to release. I don’t know if I ever will release it. I want to learn to embrace it more. To accept reality more. I look forward to it this year.
Bye finally (really? Lol.. ahaha.. laughs)
Here again, haha. I just now read WhatsApp status of my friend that says “calendars are a social construct and turn of a page doesn’t change shit.”. Well, I used to think it the same way until last year (I mean the 2018 one lol). But I have learned that nothing in this Universe is special. Everything which seems special is made by you. The human psyche dances on music where the DJ is “placebo”. So, that being said, it’s fine if you are “constructing” some special dates just to be happier than the other days. I do things all around the year, but new year’s eve is something I remember for years and I always smile looking back at it. There is nothing special about today, except its special acceptance. I personally have many new year resolutions, which I had been accomplishing during past months (I mean mini versions). But today, it’s like I have a launchpad, and everybody is watching me from a TV, everybody is holding on to me, and now whatever resolution I chose to launch won’t be just mine. There are no more experimentations, it’s a launch. That’s why today is special for me…read the subtitle of this blog again, “with all my heart… I pour everything today”.
In short, new year’s eve for me is like the opening of that Kung Fu Panda’s Dragon Scroll. Where nothing is special but myself. I feel on new year’s eve, I have uttermost right to contemplate on my life like I never did before. Turns out this day is celebrated by everyone around the world and we named it something. Haha.
Good morning. Did you just wake up? Or were you never asleep? Life. Death. Or the other way?
Love, Vismay
I’m back. It’s 7:33 am (12.5 hours). I took a shower which reminded me that I forgot to mention, cold showers! The temperature here reads -4°C and I had just taken a very hot followed by a very cold shower (I mean you don’t heat water to cool it so as cold as it was in the tap). Every time I do it, it feels miserable, but afterwards I feel that one more day I have accepted that coldness in this nature. I had been taking cold showers in the morning since 3+ months I guess. I will make a separate blog for its details too. Believe me, it’s hard, even after 3 months, I am afraid of it, that is what makes it so special for me in the morning. Also, that hot and cold contrast never affected my health. With cold showers, I never caught a cold. Any doctors here? Duh! I started cold showers in 2019, will continue in 2020.
Also, it reminded me that for those of who you think I take cold showers so that I can boast it in some blog, so my dear first I almost forgot mentioning it here (lucky I took a shower) and second, they feel so miserable that you will give up on them for some boasting.
I just wanted to share with everyone that cold showers are something everyone should consider in the morning. They feel amazingly miserable and are special. Try it!
Happy Cold Showers (not so haha).
Bye again!
Hello and welcome. It’s 10:09 am here. (14 hours). I’m still on it like never before. I felt so good that I finally poured my heart completely as I opened myself to the very last attachment I had, (I previously mentioned it in this blog itself) which was back from 2018. My heart is all empty now. it feels so good to surrender. Oh I learned it much recently. Wish it was taught in schools.
Even my death surrendered to get the experience which was beyond and died with absolute wonder.
The very last thing I remember is the song Saturn by sleeping at last. Thanks to ___ I know you know your name, did you just smile :).
To everyone who is reading this, may consider me an absolute freak, and I am. I have opened up myself to be not afraid of what society thinks of me. Because in my heart I believe that the experience I had in 2019, if anybody in this Universe would have had that experience(and I wish they could, I cry for them), would be an absolutely crack person like me. If you think me insane, it’s because you can’t see the world from my shoes. It is not your mistake, I can’t ask more to be able to give these shoes to you. Next time we will meet, I will hug you, I will try to give these shoes to you. Then maybe you will come back to this blog and will cry. Like I did. I want all my readers to realize that I am typing all these for no one but for them. Sounds egoistic, yeah it did. Let me change the perspective for you… This can be seen in another way… this blog exists because you are here to read it. I can’t be more thankful to everyone. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. This soul bows down to you. Does it sound good to you now? You see this is life, it’s the same, what changes is your perspective. Make it a beautiful one. This is what I have learned in 2019. Live your experiences until your death, and then the experiences beyond, the cycle will go on. I am sure just before leaving this world, you will say death is the most beautiful living thing in this Universe.
Signing off for the last time (not again, why this life had no last, why this life and death cycle is not breaking, duhh). Love, Vismay
Hey! It’s 01.01.2020 12:19 pm. Already some 17 hours I dropped acid. I had so deep contemplation about myself: I like to get excited by things and I really like to share those excitements with the world (like this blog). Now the two things are together, but the latter never comes first. I don’t do things and share them until I get excited by them. So I first make an experience worth wonder, and then I stupidly shout it to the world. It’s good (that I make a thing worth wonder), but it’s stupid to shout. Sometimes during the experience, I start thinking about how I will share it with everyone and I miss my own experience. I want to learn to not to shout. And that was the reason I told I’m not gonna put any WhatsApp status. Apart from it, from now you all will see me as a little silent person (oh I remember her), who will hold excitements in himself, but will never speak unless needed. I want to spend less energy on speaking. For those of you, who know me, knows that I speak a lot, it’s something in me, those excitements (WONDERS!) keeps pouring out of me, but it is only through deep contemplations I realise those excitements are making me grow and at the same time holding my deeper self down. Something which made me, is something which is holding me. Trying to save words, I exhale, in deep bliss and wonder… sorry my beloved world, this soul is going to take your wonders, but for itself… it will use those wonders to complete the self, but without the ego. Because whenever I have shouted something to this world, ego came with me. Why to try to shout the experience beyond the words? Those who are meant to understand will automatically attract to this magnetic pull and the knowledge from me will silently be poured to them. Meanwhile, my psyche is always open to look at other people’s knowledge and no gates will be closed in order to assimilate their knowledge. I will put a screenshot of this text in my WhatsApp status now. If you care and read till here, message me on WhatsApp, I want to know who all doesn’t need my silence. Bye bye any boasting. From now, a quite mind hunting for wonders, and letting it be a wonder, even for others haha. I will really miss. I cry. Trying to stop myself from doing it is one of the hardest things I’m doing. But enlightenment comes when you let go of everything, and I can’t let anything come in my way. Oh! I will miss. Oh! one more thing I can’t do. Oh! one more step to the liberation. Didn’t imagine 2020 will begin this big.
Love! Bye! Wonders (WOW! MISSING YOU ALREADY). -V!SMAY. I am crying like hell and am glad you are not here to see me. I can’t see you getting worried for me, here I am to help you transcend everything. You will be loved.
!!!!
I still didn’t sleep. It’s 2:27 pm (19.5 hours). I typed to my friend :
“19 hours, still counting bro. Sometimes I feel guilty to have this experience to share with others who never got to see. Oh man I would be equally (if not more) happy to see others having this experience instead of me. But ye mere selfish self no nahi samaj aayega. Woh **** hai, phir se high hoke yahi bolega”(English: my selfish self can’t understand it, he is a ****, he will get high again and will say the same).
This year I want to do meditation every day. I know I say it every time, but I still don’t do. Why? Why Vismay why?
I have realised we change so much in a lifetime. A good example is that from the moment I started tripping, to up until now, I felt so much, so many emotions and I changed so much. Who was I in all those changing manifolds? I still don’t know. Again I say, oh the Universe, thanks for keeping it a mystery. Vismay respects you. I know you don’t need any respect from a human like me, but keep it anyways, I will feel good, don’t you want me to? I know you do, that’s why you created the experience I had today. Thank you for giving me a great beginning. Signing off, ___ (shh… whisper, ahh…needn’t say, the universe knows everything)
It’s 2:56 pm (20 hours). Still here and now. Eating peanut butter (unsweetened one, but oh god never felt it so sweet) with an almond drink. I laugh. As I eat I realise, we really do become what we eat. We just need to change our perspective, we need to experience the integration of food in our body instead of experiencing the taste. I don’t say the taste is bad, I say it “may” be a hindrance to the subtle level of food integration in our body. More precisely to say, sense of taste is made for mystics, who experience the food integrating with the body (one with the body! With the Universe), and at the same time enjoy the taste. Tasting food without experiencing that food integration doesn’t do good in many cases.
Should I write a book? Haha. It will come someday and will reach to those who in need (including me). HAHA. Everybody laughs. Bye!
Love! -Vismay
Still still still! Wow! Still, the universe is singing its melody for me. 3:33 pm here. Numbers are so beautiful, aren’t they?!
I was thinking about life and death. Everybody knows, it’s very hard to live, but it’s easy to die. Because once you die, you needn’t worry about life, but if you were to live every day, then obviously death shouldn’t come to you. It’s easier for me to trip on any insane amount of Psychedelics than to live this life. Oh god! I can’t understand your magic, you made the most beautiful thing and kept it at the end*. So people cry in wonderful bliss, when they leave everything for what they ever lived. So ironical that people want to live with happiness, but sometimes they get it after dying. To all the souls, I pay respect, they have the right to rest in peace, more than anyone who exists in this Universe.
*(I mean the death for my noob readers, just kidding, everybody is a masterpiece in itself, they just need a trained eye to look at them, and sometimes they themselves don’t have that trained eye).
By the way, completely off the track… why the probability of Schrödinger’s cat being dead or alive is 1/2? If the cat ever dies, then it should be dead for its all the remaining lifetime, but if the cat lives, then s/he has the potential to die. Get it? I agree, you will say, cat never died my dear, it’s in superposition. But in that superposition, I say, transformation is only possible from birth to death and not the other way. Lol. I think I should stick with philosophy on Psychedelics, before I mess up the already messed up science.
I feel like Schrödinger’s cat, being in a superposition of life and death. Honestly, was dead hours ago, preferred it more. Haha.
Love, still radiating, and will always radiate. Here and now. Yours (always), Vismay
I’m back again. It’s 4:17 pm. Wanted to say to all my concerned readers that I would never touch any illegal substances every again in my life…if they can comprehend what I have just experienced with any legal substances like alcohol. Sorry, have never touched it in my life, will try it more than you ever did, if I would see your life transformed positively under the influence of it. The universe laughs on humans quotes, “here I gave them nuclear power, to harness it’s energy for decades, here they gift it back to this earth, fighting between imaginary lines, only to kill themselves”. Oh my heart couldn’t be in more grief, the worst things for humans are kept in supermarkets for everybody, and the most beautiful substances gets you behind the bars. Is this the cost of experiencing wonders? Why humans why? I’m not even hurting anybody. Why do then I pay such a heavy price? And why do my friends pay the price, I wish them to have this experience, but without breaking any laws (as stupid they may be). With all my hearts, I open myself to the god, praying nothing but the end of ignorance in this world. Universe awaits…my prayers flows.
(I don’t promote the use of illegal substances. Please look at the laws in your country.)
Love (I told you, it never ends), Vismay!
Damn, I’m still here. Listening to song Runaway by Aurora, and I speak as the lyrics go, “Take me home, take me hooomeee, where I beloooongggg”. Wow. This song is calling me, hugging me, radiating love to me. If we see (I mean listen) carefully, songs doesn’t even exist (it is just an illusion of experience). How can they welcome me? Miracle! Thank you god.
I feel like if I can surrender anywhere, it’s ego death on psychedelics. I have gone to the point of complete surrender, and still, the ego death demanded more surrenderance (is there a word like this?) from me. Then I speak to the death itself, you need to bow down in front of me, because I don’t even fear your absolute version, who are you to stand in front of me! And the Universe unfolds itself.
God, please teach me this surrenderance on meditation, then these substances will bow down to me, and I will get it, even without asking. Is it that hard to let go of clings? Ahh, this universe is called matrix for a reason. Oh ahh, I see I’m having desires now. Finally I’m coming down to the plane of existence. To home, where I belong? Lol NO! NEVER! (Time 5:51 pm, 23 hours, forgot to mention before)
Love, Vismay
I returned, but I don’t think I will return here more. It’s high time, the clock reads 6:15 pm (23 hours). I have to say sorry, I really miss interpreted the most basic teaching psychedelics gave me, that “I have it all”. Cheers to 2020 as I speak it loudly and I correct my mistake that I could give anything to have this experience… I laugh as I realize, what can I give? Is there anything? No there isn’t! I have it all! And this was the point, of psychedelics, of meditation, of transcendence, you have it all, it is the perspective you look at it. I think I sign off from this blog finally. I want to sleep now. The transcendence using psychedelics comes for a debt, I owe it, I respect it. Thanks for showing me what was already inside me.
Thanks for showing the hidden love in me.
I love you all. Hope to hug you all soon.
Hahaha. Laughs and love! When the surrounding is full of it, I sign off! — Vismay (someone who was true me).
Wait, I still have more to liberate, it’s 7:05 pm (24 hours), I cry. Straight for 15+minutes (according to the clock). Background music: Across the Universe by Beatles. I say thank you for completing my liberation. You spoke, and I am liberated. With just your heart, everything which was inside me came outside. My hands vibrate, and even after 24 hours, I feel the same energy in me to cross the Universe. Thank you thank you thank you I scream scream scream scream and do. O I love you. This heart speaks to you with all the doors open. There’s nothing more to cling. I didn’t even ask for anything, but you gave me everything. How can I cry more God? How can I? Give me power, I want to cry till the last bit of tears become rain on my body. I love you. I do. I do. I do.
As I cry, I hold my pillow tight. Oh god, why I have no one by my side today, to whom I can hug and I can cry, for the last time, before I sleep to an absolute bliss. I want to say, if you give me a pure soul by my side today, this spirit will go beyond the death of current body to be with her. I love you and everyone. More and more.
Love, V!SMAY. With a torch of “!”, always in my heart.
9:43 pm (27 hours). Still here. I shout. That’s more than 26 hours. Straight. Tripping like anything. I pay respect to Baba Ram Dass, he once tripped for a week, and here am I, completely worn off by body (though the mind is still in bliss) in just 26 hours of high. Wow. Human psyche is so deep and complex. The fact I can experience this Universe is a wonder in itself. What more I could want. “Sing Along”, listen to this song by Múm. You will get me. You have no idea how miserable it is to not come down, I want to (maybe not), but I can’t, it feels like a punishment to be here. Punishment of bliss? Yes. Sometimes too good does bad. Mediation teachers you to stably grow. It is the best teacher and shortcuts like Psychedelics comes with a price. I’m paying it right now. But I don’t care. This soul is resting in perfectly peaceful state with its heart open for whatever comes next. Have experienced, is experiencing, will experience, all at the same time, with a price to pay, the deal is accepted God. Thank you. And love, still radiating. The more it radiates, the more it becomes! Because, if you take something out of nothing, that nothing becomes emptier, more and more, deeper and deeper. Forever. Period. You got me!
Laughs. Wonders. Music. Feelings. Flow. Wow.
Love, Vismay!
It’s 11:54 pm (27 hours) and I read this blog from start to end. I’m nearly sober now (unless I meditate and raise my vibrations again, it won’t take me time, LSD is still in my body). Deep breaths, I feel new, born again after being dead in bliss for so long. I feel rejuvenated. Tomorrow I have to face the world, to live it here and now, which is very hard, but I know you are with me, you my dear readers. You reached the end of this blog and are still here, why you did this to me? Now I owe you so much. Thank you for reading it till the end. Thank you. This soul will live for you, it has already lived his own life to the extreme, now it’s time to serve. It will serve till the death and beyond.
Love, serve, remember… Baba Ram Dass, this Universe miss you.
The clock has hit “00:00, 02.01.2020". again magical numbers. What a timing.
Love you all, always, forever, till infinity and beyond
-V!SMAY
