Spiegel im Spiegel
Finding my true self within my Infinite Reflections
Prologue
This blog is dedicated to reflections I have made in past three months of my life, all thanks to the Soft Skills Course at IIT Madras, offered by Dr. Vijayalakshmi V.
Before moving further, I would like to describe the title of this blog, ‘Spiegel im Spiegel’.
Spiegel is a German word which translates to mirror in English. Hence, ‘Spiegel im Speigel’ literally translates to ‘mirror(s) in the mirror’ or ‘infinity mirror’. It can be famously recognized by the title of a composition by Arvo Pärt. I would recommend you to put this music in the background while reading this blog. Link: Spotify, YouTube Music
Infinite Reflections
I love connecting the dots in my life —yes, causation! But this is extremely difficult because 1) situations are intertwined in the complex cause-effect repertoire, 2) each individual node in this chain is unique in its own way. Right now, I have this pile of information in front of me. Though it belongs to the same subgroup, i.e. Soft Skills, the individual headings are disjointed in nature, and I am not able to find the anchor point to start. Of course, I can do it the easy way, to start from the beginning of the course and proceed linearly. But it would defy the idea of this single structurally integrated blog and leave me with a random fit of my information, which would be easy to forget in the future, and not so fun to read. This being said, I will jump from one point to another point pretty quickly, and I hope you can relate with me on this explorative journey.
As we all know, to start writing something, we have to look inside. For the same purpose, right now, my inner self is standing inside this infinity mirror room. The skeleton of this inner self is my thoughts. To clearly observe the self is to draw the blueprint of thoughts connecting with each other. But the problem is that thoughts can’t see themselves directly, they have to be realized through their reflection in the mirror. But again, a single reflection is not enough to reveal the full identity, and that’s why these infinite mirrors are helping me form that true image.
I can start sailing now, and I feel the best anchor to my reflections would be Ikigai. So let’s start with it!
Ikigai: Meaningful life
Ikigai is a japanese word, which means ‘value one finds in living’. This meaning is derived from its etymology:
Ikigai = iki (life) + gai (value or worth) = value in living
You might have seen the Venn diagram version of Ikigai previously. It looks great on the paper, and for many, it fits perfectly on life. In fact, at first glance, the concept of Ikigai shined great on my life too! Because that time, I assimilated the perspective of the presenter, without personal interventions. Later, I stood inside that infinity mirror room, and that Venn diagram failed miserably. Those four blobs just couldn’t intersect :(
I looked up online to resolve this ambiguity. I found this article, ‘Ikigai Is Not a Venn Diagram’, in which the author mentions how the original concept of Ikigai is now misunderstood as the famous Venn diagram. It was then I returned to the elementary meaning of the word, i.e. finding the value in living this life. Which, being more general, was easily applicable to my unique way of living. You know this was the point in my life, where I had this huge enlightenment about humans:
The catch with our species is that, “all of us are unique, but most of us are common”. This is crucial in a way, as there has to be agreeableness in thoughts to run the world. But what about those exceptional cases?
With this, I conclude how the concept of Ikigai’s Venn diagram is nothing but a little trick which can be implemented by anyone to objectify (put rules) the subjective life (finding value). And as the course proceeded, I realized that all the concepts I learned in the class, was an attempt to form this reversible connection between declarative and procedural knowledge. I agree it is essential, because we need to declare our subjective wants. But for those, who are already sorted in their sub-conscious, it is necessary to learn these tricks of objectification? Even if it is necessary, how far they should dig with the classification? How to know where to stop? Think about it!
A valuable life is a life with values. The rules governing these values should be your own. Period.
The quote mentioned above was my final take from Ikigai. From this activity, I learned that I have to recursively iterate between those infinite perspectives in that infinity mirror, until I find my own.
Reframing: Solving the Maze
The needful search can be performed by reframing. For those of you who don’t know, reframing is the concept of looking at things from different perspectives. Though I had been using the essence long before, I never knew there existed a dedicated concept for it in psychology. I am thankful to Soft Skills class discussion for this concept.
The goal is Ikigai. The tool was reframing. I stood inside the infinity mirror and started my journey. But I went too far and lost my anchor point. At one moment, I was so lost that I couldn’t draw a fine line between my thoughts and their connections with each other. I couldn’t understand anything logically. I don’t know where to go. Every direction was breaking some law. I could say that objective laws didn’t exist deep inside that maze. What remained was just an ocean of subjective experiences, connecting till the infinity. That time I came up with this quote:
If you think you understand the concept fully, then you probably don’t understand it deeply. Because a deep understanding, is about the understanding, that you cannot ever understand it fully.
(Just please don’t go recursive by saying you fully understood the quote above — deep pun intended)
Haziness
After I wrote that quote, I felt like this missing piece in my life was finally discovered, and I had answers to all my questions. Precisely, the answer was — things get hazy as you go deeper in your psyche. For the next moment, I laughed on this foggy reality of my thoughts which had no definite conclusions, but a cloud of probabilities like quantum mechanics wave function. The particular solutions to this wave function, as discussed in the Soft Skills course were great. But they were never mine. This doesn’t mean I didn’t learn anything. In fact, the revelation of haziness was much more enlightening than receiving any concrete answers.
Sweet Spot
The haziness was a sign that with those (over-)reflections, I missed the very point of classification, i.e. to reduce it to simplicity. A classification too shallow — and every concept looks the same, there’s no scope or meaning in the connection. A classification too deep — and every concept is unique, but are overwhelmingly interconnected. If you hover just on the sweet spot, you will be able to exploit that place of meaning and common rules of life (remember what I previously mentioned, all of us are unique, but most of us are common!) But again, as I previously said, being in that shared space is not my answer.
I will explain more, let’s take the example of personality classification tools like Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) or Transactional Analysis (ego gram). So:
Q. Why does someone need to evaluate him/her using personality classification tools?
A. Because they have this box of their subjective experiences, struggling to be connected in a meaningful way. Thus, such tools may facilitate them to know their deeper self.Q. But why are they struggling at first place?
A. Well, maybe they never looked inside their own subjective experiences.Q. So how does it work?
A. The questions asked in such personality classification tools are nothing but the evaluation of self. It is literally a procedure which looks into your own subjective experiences as answered by you. Then it classifies your subjective identity based on predefined set of rules, which in-turn were made by personal experiences of others.Q. But is that classification universal in nature?
A. No, it is not, as it is derived from a finite set of question.Q. But is it necessary for that classification to be universal?
A. No, it is not, because you can’t practically go on reflecting yourself within infinite reflections. Remember I told, concepts become fuzzy as you go deeper, and we need that sweet spot!Q. Okay, so at the end of the day, I used those tools and received my results. Now what?
A. Now you need to go back and ask the answer to your self, why the results are so and so, and how can you make it soooo and soooo.Q. So, basically you mean to return back to my subjective reality?
A. I mean, yeah… you have to!Q. Ehh…
A. Ehh?Q. I was already there in the first place, and I already knew those things. It was in my open area, and not the blind or unknown ones (Johari Window concept). What new did I learn?
A. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
You saw the difference? It is the reason of disconnection between me and the course. I felt the course generally dealt with the question, “How to classify concepts aptly?”. The concept taught were floating on surface for me, and most of the course content felt like a common sense. I mean I could sit alone in the course, and write down most of the points which were raised in the course during the discussion. But wait, it was not the problem of the course, it was a problem with me. The course was in-depth for many people, and maybe I was in the wrong boat.
Answers are always personal!
[Questions → common answers → personal answers] → Holistic answers, wherein you know every answer, and you choose the one which gives value to your life! (my way of approaching a concept)
So, what I really wanted? Well, it is to deal with the question, “how to classify concepts holistically?” I need that holistic feeling, where I know that I connected the concepts from every perspective. Such a holistic feeling comes from infinite reflections on every phase of life; it is like absorbing the learning in your psyche. You know, that you know, and you also know that you don’t know. It is a “feeling” which common classifications fail to provide. That’s why I love the native meaning of the work Ikigai; it doesn’t force someone else’s answer (Venn diagram) on me; instead, it just gives me a context, and I build the structure myself. In other words, my personal answers. I realized this only when I explored the solutions provided by others. Thankfully, Soft Skills course acted as a facilitator in this sense.
At this point, I want to raise the point of subjective experience vs objective experience again. The answers I have found in this course within the class is a declarative knowledge (obviously it can’t be subjective), but life is a subjective experience. I agree, the concepts I learned in the class is a way to enhance that subjective experience, and it did for some people in that course. For me, being already in that space, the course initially brought me outside the depth. Yes, reverse gear. I started associating answers with charts, graphs and 2*2 matrices. Like seriously, so much compression?
Reflect Best Self Portrait was insightful, but not revealing as such. Ikigai Venn diagram was a total mess. I keep talking with people about my shadow parts; hence, Johari Window was reductive. Do you think successful people use Covey’s Time Management? I don’t know, maybe they use it, but I would love to spend some more time on the things which make me grow, but are not critically productive, and falls under eliminate category; I tried that Covey’s Matrix, but life becomes bland (because I have too many urgent tasks in my life generally). I use my calendar, and my to-do list, and it works fine. Moving further, I don’t like so called “ethics” in the way society defines it, but I was glad to have the discussion in the class.
Converging on a solution with the Mentor
In the coaching sessions, I spoke about my problems with my mentor and how I was getting more and more confused in this realm of thoughts. It is then, I mapped my thoughts again, and during one session, I had that hit moment!
“I found it! But the answer was not in the classification; it was in the way I looked inside my inner self. The answer was a subjective experience, not a theoretical formula.”
I would like to thank my mentor for all the efforts he has put to guide me. It was “the best” initiative of this course.
Thousands of wrong steps, for the one holistically accurate
This was another learning experience for me from the course… looking for the answers of the question raised previously, I took many wrong steps, and all those wrong steps are in my experience, which is more than being some x points on the paper. Now I know, I don’t need to memorize those x random points from y parts of the course. They are integrated in form of a story I can narrate to myself — visualizations to remember the learnings!
Learnings here and there
I guess the most knowledge I gained from this course was actually outside the course, during my contemplation hours and interacting with peers (which I guess was the main aim of this course!!). I made a few new good friends, which would not have been possible through any other course. My peers provided me with their unique views on different concepts. The more I go and explore other people by hearing about their experiences about their life, the closer I move towards my holistic answer! I am thankful I could connect with them.
What I loved about this course was that it provided me with a way to realize the differences between the soft skills techniques I have been using in my life vs the soft skills techniques used by others. I mean for the first time in my life, I could deliberately look at so many people together, doing nothing but Soft Skills discussion!
Meditation
I should also mention about the meditation session in the class. It was great. But again, it was not for me. I hold a different value to life. I feel that meditation should only be pitched for the final goal, the enlightenment. Anything less is nothing but a byproduct for me, and I don’t want the society to override their answers in my mind on this topic. Overall, I loved the session and enjoyed it thoroughly. The subjective experience part was significant, but the theoretical component was not for me.
Vulnerability
This was my favourite part of the course. Connecting the dots further, you can see, unlike the classifications talked previously, vulnerability works on the individual differences. Being vulnerable is the subjective experience in its true form (I mean no conversion). It is to be with the acceptance of your uniqueness. It is those nights when you sit with another person who is just like you, but unlike you; and then you untie all your emotional baggage with each other. This is why vulnerability built great connections!
One more thing I want to mention is about the etymology of words. So there was this TED Talk shared by Viji ma’am on vulnerability during the class. In that talk, the speaker Brené Brown speaks about the word “Courage”, which is derived from the Latin word “cor” (heart) and thus the literal meaning of the word courage is “to speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart”. After that moment, I have observed that the literal meaning of many words comes from subjective feelings. But now, in this modern era, it feels like we have disconnected ourselves with this core. Nowadays, we all find self-help book which lists down those sweet looking classification, whereas what I need is the connection with my soul to understand the working of my mind, and to communicate effectively with this universe outside.
Please note that the course content was heavy, and I missed many components from the course in this reflective journal. I didn’t want to overwhelm myself with all the content, and so I handpicked the ones related to my life.
The magic I don’t understand
The question is, how the mind works automatically to fulfil your intentions? Does it even work automatically? Will it work if I will stop reflecting? It it just a “hit”, or a gradual process in my psyche?
I am talking about pre-course reflection form — a set of questions we answered during the initial week of the soft skills course. Out of the three major questions, I would like to list one as an example, with my response to it.
Q. “What are the areas that you want to strengthen through this course?”
A. “I want to increase clarity towards my decisions. I want to do a lot of thing in my life, and in between all these diverging future paths, I am not quite sure which path I should choose (but I know what I don’t wish to be). My decisions keep on changing according to my emotions, and this confusion is something which drains my energy. From what I have noticed, the journey of human evolution (or just me) can be reduced to 2 points, a) comfort and b) predictability. I have been going out of my comfort zone to get predictability in my life. But now, I raise this question that “is there any point to such a life?”. Since there are no right and wrong answers about life, I have to find a personal meaning on my own. In the Soft Skills course, I can get to know perspectives and examples of so many people, and with such aspects, I hope to increase mental clarity regarding my future.”
You can see that I had many answers. But I lacked the clarity. Now, I have this clarity too in my thought. Yup, somehow I ended up checking the points mentioned in my pre-course expectations, even though I didn’t work consciously towards them.
Exponential Decay
I am happy that my pre-course expectations are fulfilled! But it also makes me nervous. The one thing I am most afraid of in my life is losing this perspective of looking at things and making sense of myself and others around me. The idea that such knowledge gradually shifts away from my conscious mind makes me note them all. I have thought a lot, but I don’t understand how that slipping happens slowly. For example, I might forget the perspective I have right now, and nothing would bring back the same perspective, even after revisiting this blog. It is difficult to write things which are going on in my mind, and in this blog, I have only described some one-fifth. All the feelings of haziness are impossible to describe. I cross my fingers, and I hope I don’t forget them.
For instance, later during the MBTI lecture, some discussion related to the left and the right brain was being held. I want to mention this thought I had at that moment: “to brush my teeth with my non-dominant hand (which is left is my case) daily”. The idea is to train the brain for better motor control. So, I started brushing using left hand from that day — but I couldn’t maintain the habit. That info somehow left itself automatically. Now that I am compiling this blog, and I revisited that thought, I will start doing it daily — but maybe I won’t, and I will never remember until I revisit this section in my blog again :)
Reflections though temporal dimension
This exponential decay brings me back to the thought I have had while the course was mid-way. Dr. Viji used to ask us to keep writing this reflective journal blog as the course proceeded. The problem with me is, I can’t digest things until they are connected. Structuring is one of the most essential parts of my life. And while I can build upon a single thought over a period of time, at any particular day, it is not up to my conscious order to reflect only in a particular direction. Also, like I mentioned, there is this exponential decay in some of my thoughts which makes it near to impossible to connect two different reflections I have made within a week or two. I am not saying my thoughts don’t converge; I am saying the thoughts I have had during two random time points in my life might not converge.
For example, in this blog, the central theme of infinite reflections and haziness wasn’t the first one in my mind. I initially had this idea to start with the magic performed by magicians, and how the techniques learned in the course were magic tricks to perform the magic in life. But then that magic trick never worked for me. You know, now I realized the real magic is not those sweet spots of classification, rather, it is the haziness in my mind, which I have actually sorted (subjectively) with the help of this blog, and this song, Spiegel im Spiegel which I have listened to dozens of times while drafting it.
Thank you
You know when I connect the dots like this, I feel I gained something. It uplifts me holistically. Because I know, for me to be here in this bigger picture, even the smallest dots have to be connected. I mean to say, at this stage, the individual non-favourable events are too small to shake the beauty of this integrated whole. This being said, I accept what has happened, like the semester being online and not able to meet all the people I could have potentially.
Focusing just on this course, though I can clearly define the benefits it has brought me in a subsection of my life, I can never judge the percentage of space it holds in the bigger picture of my life. So I want to thank holistically, for all that is seen and connected in this blog, and to all which is still intertwined in this challenging to comprehend cause-effect repertoire. Which, as I said in the start, can only be explored by the reflections inside the infinity mirror.
Thanks a lot Viji ma’am for offering this course to us and thanks to all my classmates for enthusiastically participating in it. Of course, thanks to life, for all the precious perspectives and learning. And thank you for reading this blog, till the end (hope it is not a direct skim/scroll :p)
Ciao!
