Sometimes I feel
It is not easy to “feel”, but it is also not easy to “not feel”
Sometimes I feel, why I feel, other times I feel why I can not, not feel. Sometimes I feel I’m not myself, sometimes I feel I don’t know myself. All these feelings, isn’t it so confusing? It feels like I know all these feelings, but turns out I don’t know. When all these feelings kept on changing themself, I asked myself... Why are the feelings change itself, and when they change why don’t the person feeling it changes, why it has to be always me feeling those feelings. With this blog, I have opened up my heart to speak out wherever I felt.
Sometimes just crossing the road alone, feeling that cool breeze… I start thinking about my life. In that loneliness, I get nothing but to confront myself… the part of me who is shining with wishes, excitements, happy moments and the past of me which is all dark with fears and vulnerabilities. These angels and demons in me start fighting with each other, creating an imaginative world, where I feel things like reality, but fortunately or unfortunately, could never convert them into reality. This is a story of one such typical walk, where it’s the first time I got the confidence to transcript those thoughts. Here it goes…
Deep inhale, deep exhale…
But you need to do so much pending stuff. Studies, assignments, projects, cooking, fixing broken stuff ... And what about reading the book you wanted to complete soon? Sometimes I feel why I can’t stop running, not running away from things, but running towards them.
Sometimes I feel… Why it is me who messages first to my friends? Am I being too desperate? But then why I don’t message my family members like that? Is it because I know my family will be with me always no matter what? Am I doing injustice? How can I just let my mother know I love her even if I don’t get to call her that much?
I know I want some feelings and other not others. Who tossed the coin of duality is in Universe, should I curse the entity or should I thank it. Then sometimes I feel… it who has designed the nature of duality shall tell me the answer, it is thou who holds the power to free me from this matrix (of duality).
Breath Vismay… Breath… in, out…
Suddenly I saw a girl. I felt… That girl on the cycle is cute. Wish I had courage to tell her that. Maybe I could get to know her more. “You can’t do it Vismay.” — I feel
Deep inhale… slow exhale…
Oh these feelings are too overwhelming, I don’t want to feel this much, I don’t want to laugh or cry, I just don’t want this life. If there is something which makes me wonder the most about this life, it is the end. I really want to know what will happen to me after death, why don’t I just jump out of the balcony? But people will consider me coward, but do I care about people? Hmm… What if at the most happiest moment of my life I intentionally jump out of my balcony, people will think it as an accident, right Vismay? Oh wait, what about all the knowledge I want to gain before dying. What about my to-do list… I just can’t die like that. I have to live my life, I will make it an extraordinary one.
Slowly, the frozen fantasies in my body starts bubbling up. Slight chills, and I realized I can be more than what I am. I can be more than what people imagine me to be. I can be V!SMAY
Carrying that puff of confidence I walk faster…but as I reach home, I lose guts, to do anything and everything. I keep thinking how much that friend would judge me; what those people with think about me; will they consider it cheesy; will they think me too emotional; will they respect me; will my crush talk to me; I have got all feelings, but again, as always, I have stopped feeling it. I just stop, stop and stop… until I learned, to live with them.
Is fearing feelings the reason for mental health problems? Maybe. I believe the human psyche is incredible in healing itself, but first it has to know the problem, and to recognise the problem, you need to feel your feelings. Maybe the answer is to let the feelings flow like a water, don’t build a dam to stop it.
I am so thankful to MDMA for opening me up to my feelings. It taught me how to feel more. With the help of MDMA and psychedelics, I have learned to let my feelings flow through myself. I have healed myself a lot by allowing myself to feel everything.
Thank You for diving into a short ride with my feelings.
