Love: a non-dual experience
My sincere efforts to describe the love I felt, thanks to the plant medicines
Experiencing the love in its true form — I smile on its beauty — the only book which you can’t even judge by its content!
Disclaimer: This blog doesn’t promote the use of any illegal substances. Please obey the laws of your country.
Before I begin, I hold an apology to God? to non-duality? to this universe? to consciousness? to the building block of me? I don’t know! Whatever you want to label that indescribable experience, it doesn’t matter. Our ego can just try to give it a title, embrace it in a blog, share it with the world, and impatiently waits for the world to embrace the content as if it came out of the ego itself.
A conversation between my ego and the non-dual experience I had:
— What is true love?
— A play of a bunch of molecules, right!?
— No. Just like a piece of music isn’t the air itself, love is not any molecule.
— I think I get you. You’re talking about the actual feeling.
— Yes, I am! In its pure form, beyond your ego.
— I don’t think “I” have ever felt that. That’s going too deep, lets scratch the surface. What do you think about sexual intimacy?
— Sexual love exists for humans to realise the fluidity of true love. It is a glimpse of the magnificent power of love to merge two different souls into one, and subsequently giving birth to a seemingly separate different soul.
— Beautiful explanation. Haha! Sorry, but this is not a fairy tale. Anyways, I am satisfied with my life, I don’t need any superficial absolute love.
— No, you’re not. If you were satisfied, you would have never chased anything for yourself. Satisfaction is true love, it pushes you to work for others.*moment of silence*
As expected, my ego couldn’t understand what my higher self was talking about, but I feel grateful that it did leave a mark on it. So hilarious, although my higher self knew that the cause of my suffering was my ego, it couldn’t hold any grudge against it. Finally, ego had to surrender itself in front of such compassion.
There is an ancient story of how a person was travelling with his ten camels in a dry desert. After moving a few miles, he counted the camels and found only nine. He got down from his camel and anxiously run around to find the missing one. Unfortunately, he couldn’t find it. He gave up and rushed back to his heard. Surprisingly, all his ten camels were at the same place. It was confusing, but he neglected and continue his journey. It was his ignorance which stopped himself from realizing that the tenth camel wasn’t hidden anywhere. Instead, he was riding it all the time.
“We all are like that traveller, searching the people who are loveable, when we can’t even love ourself”
After falling right through the infinite bottom of these stairs of love, I understood we were never meant to climb those. In fact, the point is to fall, to become small and respect the gigantic universality of love. Begin by loving yourself. Then, reflect yourself in others as if they are your own consciousness and the separateness is a mere but consistent illusion. What I am talking about is precisely depicted in Annihilation of Joy — season 1, episode 5 of the series, The Midnight Gospel.
Our entire life we have been tossing a coin of duality, we label the sides as love and hatred. We are wrong in so many ways, love isn’t the opposite of hate. Such a coin is nothing but our ego. We aren’t meant to toss the coin. The point is to realize the illusion, to move our focus away from the coin to the vast background of pure ecstasy. Yes! As easy as changing the focus of the camera. The hard part is that not all of us have access to such developers feature in our software. Haha! I know, some of you know must be thinking it just takes a hit to get that kick (pun intended).
Believe me, when the non-dual experience of the love comes, it feels like God has given you consciousness only to feel that moment. With this non-dual experience, I was exposed to my vulnerable parts. From outside, it may seem a weakening state, but I can assure that vulnerability made me stronger. I had this realization that how fake I am — when I say I love you — I understand you — I miss you — I care for you — you mean a lot to me. I have said it so many times, not just to others but to even myself. As it came out of my mouth, it separated myself from the person. I uplifted my ego as if I was somehow superior to express my egoistic love. (Yes, I know I have mentioned the same thing previously in one of my blogs)
Honestly, at this point, I can go on and on. It’s an irony that although such experience is indescribable, I can’t stop writing about it. Somehow my ego is falling in true love with it. It welcomes the experience beyond duality. I don’t understand what power this love holds, how can my ego wants its death to get that experience?
The biggest setback I feel with this experience is that although it is so universal in nature, not everybody gets to experience its beauty. Why me and why not the people who care for me. Sometimes I feel sad to see I got this privilege, and I even misuse it in so many ways. I know I need this experience from time to time, and it makes me cry that I couldn’t justify the respect I hold for the experience.
Sometimes, I am even fake when I write these blogs. Today, I am not. But I don’t want you to think I am truthful. To me, right now it feels like I am not a good person to hold this knowledge. This glimpse I had — although I respect it a lot, I keep forgetting it — then I keep an excuse ready on my side, which reads “I can’t, I know I have an ego and I can’t stop it right now”. The problem is not only the ego you know, but the problem is also that “I don’t even try”, precisely, “I fake myself, and I say I tried my best”.
Maybe this time I can change it? Perhaps, I can be open to reality with my compassionate heart? I wish I could. Falling back into the loop, I say, “I would try”.
Thanks a lot for reading this blog! It is my privilege to have you here. Before I end, I quote, from the song Saturn by Sleeping at Last.
“With shortness of breath, you explained the infinite,
How rare and beautiful it is, to even exist”
Thank you, 5-MeO-DMT: The God Molecule.
