From Suicidal Thoughts to Deep Fulfilment — Case Study
Understanding the progression of mind from darkness to light
Background: This article is part of a larger project titled “Disentangling the Mind.” As part of this project, I am writing case studies that explore how the mind evolves over time. In this case study, I explore my own journey and how I transformed from a state of darkness to one of deep fulfillment.
If you analyze my previous medium articles, you will see how my mind has progressed over the years. My perspective has become clearer, and my advice is now based on embodied reality rather than just intellectual understanding.
But how did such a transformation happen, and what were the experiential markers of my growth? In this article, I have done my best to explain the progression of my mind over the past eight years of my life.
Rat Race and Sleep-Deprived Life at IIT Madras
My mind has surrendered its peace to the chaos of the outside world.
Before 2019, when I was studying at IIT Madras, my primary goal was to do something no one has done — be unique!
I used to make sense of the world through my thoughts. My mind barely had moments free from thinking. I lived in my own bubble, cared less about the world and more about my achievements.
Consequently, I worked a lot. I used to sleep less because why waste time by sleeping? I used to feel guilty if I didn’t work some days.
When I achieved what I wanted to, I was exhilarated with joy. But when I failed, I drowned in despair.
Taste of Trancendance
My mind undersood, “It’s okay to relax and be passive.”
In 2019, I had my first psychedelic experience. That experience opened the doors of my perception.
The belief that I will be valuable only if I achieve so and so dissolved. I realized the mere fact that I exist has intrinsic value in it.
Now my mind started to look down upon the life I had lived previously. I started to relax more instead of relentlessly striving. Unlike before, when I used to stay away from hedonism, I chased it without guilt.
The meaning of life changed for me from gaining intellectual knowledge, becoming famous etc. to knowing more about myself. I clearly understood the difference between vertical and horizontal growth² (image below.)
I prioritized experiences over achievements. If you read my first psychedelic experience article², you can easily spot this preference.
Universal Love and Equality
My heart sang, “Imagine all the people, livin’ life in peace…” (Imagine song by John Lennon)
As the mind continued to evolve, I experienced a deep love for all the beings on the planet. I wanted to live in peace and harmony with everyone by keeping my selfishness aside.
I started to see people as victims of a tightly woven capitalist society that was a never-ending rat race. I realized that people are stuck in a loop they can’t escape because they never had any transcendent experience.
I believed everyone could benefit from psychedelic experiences and actively advocated for them (I later realized that I was wrong.)
Pandemic and Suicidal Thoughts
Mind’s re-encounter with the dirty laundry of life.
All the dirty parts of life I neglected returned to my shoulders as COVID hit, and I was forced to stay with my family. Just before that, I spent my best time travelling alone in Europe, so the delta was big.
Unlike the Netherlands, I was without psychedelics in India. I felt enraged. I didn’t want to live with my family and conform to their rules.
Psychedelics taught me to love everyone. But I couldn’t understand why I kept getting triggered at my home. I questioned, “Where was all the love and wisdom I received on psychedelics and why I couldn’t give it to my family?”
I suffered, but I kept blaming others for my suffering. I kept asking, “Why they can’t understand me? The world can be so beautiful, but why they can’t see? Why do they fight over tiny stuff? Why do they want me to be their way? Why can’t they see the world as I do.”
Additionally, I couldn’t get clarity on what I was supposed to do in my life. I looked down upon the dreams of my family, who wanted me to take a traditional job, earn money and build a house.
This was the darkest period of my life. My mind was clouded with thoughts of suicide. I couldn’t find any meaning in life and saw the world as cruel and devoid of harmony. News and social media supplemented the belief. I just wanted to die.
Altered States to Insights
Mind understanding itself, i.e. meta-cognition
When I began meditative practices, I realized I was giving too much attention to the meaning and stories of my thoughts.
I shifted my focus from “why” to “how” and became more interested in the mechanism of the present moment. For instance, instead of asking “Why should I live?”, I started asking “How is this thought arising?”
This allowed me to better understand myself and develop a greater sense of meta-cognition.
I began a rigorous investigation of my mind and got so many answers about my behaviour. I realized not only did I not know myself, but also I deluded myself by pretending to be something I was not.
I had given myself an identity, like “I know so much about consciousness, but the world is so blind and doesn’t understand it. I am unlucky to be in a world where no one understands me.”
But the truth was, it was me who didn’t want to be where I was.
It was me who expected the world to be something other than what it was.
It was me who was afraid to live in a world where people fight and cheat with each other.
It was me all along, in all my problems! The events were not inherently problematic. It was “me” having a problem with the events that was causing suffering.
From Insights to Altered Traits
The deep change in mind’s reactivity through integration of insights into daily life.
Though I had insights into my behaviours and shortcomings, I didn’t truly embody them.
I understood I needed to relax my resistance to fight reality and accept the world as it is. So I made it my life’s mission to avoid making excuses when I suffer.
This changed my view of the world. The world no more looked like a cruel place for me to exist. Rather, I became compassionate for the suffering in the world and reduced my mind’s reactivity, bringing more peace to my daily life.
Uprooting the Triggers
Letting-go/Deconditioning is not the ultimate goal. Understanding the process of grasping and letting-go is needed for permanent contentment.
By continuously relaxing my push and pull towards reality, I discovered a deeper level of freedom from suffering. I learned to rest in a state of silent open awareness amidst any situation in my life, which felt like my true Self.
I thought this was the maximum possible freedom from suffering. However, I realized I could go deeper by understanding the interplay between my mind and heart.
Currently, my main practice is understanding “how the mind moves across sense fields?” Through formal meditation, I have gained profound insights into the fleeting nature of perceptions and experienced greater liberation than simply resting as awareness.
I believe that permanent liberation from suffering is possible through insight meditation practice, although I have not yet achieved it. I am excited to see where this journey will take me!
Summary of How the Mind Evolved
My personal growth aligns with the Spiral Dynamics³ model, though not necessarily in a linear fashion. I recommend that you explore this model further on your own. However, please remember that while the map can be a helpful pointer, it is not a substitute for direct experience.
The following outlines the progression of my mind across various dimensions:
Definition of Growth
Intellect/Bookish knowledge → Altered States → Deconditioning habitual patterns → Permanent Uprooting.
Development of Ego
Egoistic → Looking down upon ego (Transcendence) → Integrating Shadow Parts → Seeing ego as an essential component (Immanent) → Oneness and true Self (ontological truth) → Emptiness of perceptions and feelings (epistemological fact.)
Moment-to-Moment Experience
Completely caught up in thoughts → In touch with feelings and rejecting thoughts → Feelings of openness and love → Giving importance to both thoughts and feelings → Experience shifted towards meta-cognition, i.e. how thoughts and feelings come to be.
Meaning-Making System
Meaning in having (achievements) → Meaning in doing (researching and learning) → Meaning in being (peaceful existence) → Meaning in doing-being (as their essence is the same Oneness) → The desperate search for meaning is the root cause of suffering (shifting focus from why to how.)
Ownership of Suffering
Others make me suffer → Both the outside world and my mind make me suffer → It is only my mind that makes me suffer → Suffering can be avoided by relaxing attraction and aversion to present moment experience → Suffering can be permanently removed by understanding the empty nature of experience.
Acknowledgements
I owe a great deal of my development to my teachers, who taught me about my mind, and my clients, who participated in private one-on-one coaching sessions with me. I am grateful for their support in my journey towards growth. I also want to thank my partner, family and friends, they have been my constant companion and support at every point in my life.
About the Project
This case study is one part of my ongoing project. Read more about the project in this article: Disentangling The Mind
Learn more about me or book a free session: vismay.super.site
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